A&E's An Evening at the Improv 

guest Dean Stockwell

1989

transcribed by Cookie

 

Bud Friedman's introduction of Dean:

"But first, my very great pleasure to welcome our guest host this evening. He's a marvelous actor who has just recently (been) nominated for an Academy Award for his work in the wonderful movie, Married to the Mob". He is now starring in his own TV series called, Quantum Leap". Please welcome, Mr. Dean Stockwell."

 

(applause as Dean makes his way to the stage)

 

Dean:

"Thanks, Bud. And thank you all for that wonderful welcome. So, did any of you watch the Academy Awards?"

 

(applause)

 

"You and a billion other people . . . a billion people all over the world. It was even on for the first time in the Soviet Union. Movie fans all over the world tuned in to see the best of Hollywood's finest performances. And what did they get? Snow White and Rob Lowe."

 

(laughter)

 

"I was sitting right next to Meryl Streep. When she saw Snow White, she said, 'Give her an apple.'"

 

(laughter)

 

"No wonder Disney sued, I mean, when Snow White sang, 'Someday My Prince Will Come', I don't think Rob Lowe was quite what she had in mind."

 

(laughter)

 

"And right now, as my lawyers race off to draft a formal letter of apology to Rob Lowe, I want to say publicly that I'm very proud to have been nominated, to have received the recognition of my peers in the acting community."

 

(applause)

 

"Yes!" (with applause still going on)

 

"The nomination is indeed what really matters. No one is a loser on Oscar night. We're all part of the same Hollywood family. Do you believe that?"

 

("No!" the audience)

 

"Of course you don't! You know the truth, you know that in my heart, I wish I won that award, I wish I could have heard Bud say tonight, 'Ladies and gentlemen, the Academy Award winner, Dean Stockwell!' Damn it, I should have won that award!"

 

(laughter, applause)

 

"Instead of some guy with a moustache in a movie about a fish!"

 

(laughter)

 

"Another telegram to Kevin Kline. But, hey, I'm not bitter; besides how many other guys had Entertainment Tonight riding along in their limos? You talk about making it in Hollywood you know you've arrived when all the nom . . . of all of the nominees you're the one Mary Hart wants to watch sweat."

 

(laughter)

 

"Now some of you young people may not, may think I'm a newcomer to Hollywood but that's not the case. Long before I played a whacked out pan-sexual in David Lynch's Blue Velvet . . ."

 

(applause)

 

"Yes!" (while raising his hat in recognition)

 

". . . long before (laughs) I played Howard Hughes in Tucker, long bef . . ."

 

(applause)

 

(Dean does a quick, little raising of his hat)

 

". . . long before I gave my ALMOST Academy Award winning performance in Married to the Mob, I was a child star which meant (short pause) I worked my ass off all through my childhood. But that's okay because when the '60's came along my buddies like Dennis Hopper and Jack Nicholson and I got to explore true immaturity for an entire decade."

 

(laughter)

 

"I went to every love-in, smoke-in, and sit-in. I dropped out and gave into every temptation known to man. Needless to say, this didn't do wonders for my career.

 

(laughter)

 

"My first big comeback in the pictures in the '70's was the mega-hit, The Werewolf of Washington."

 

(laughter)

 

"In which, as the President's press secretary, I put the bite on the Chief Executive. Maybe I bit off more than I could chew. But the Academy didn't call me that year. In fact, nobody called me for a long time. It was kind of like that old Hollywood joke, 'Get me Dean Stockwell.' 'Get me A Dean Stockwell look-alike.'"

 

(laughter)

 

"Ah 'Get me a YOUNG Dean Stockwell!' Ah 'Is Dean Stockwell dead?'"

 

(laughter)

 

"Somehow, though, I came out on the other side of tinsel-town mortality and now, at power lunches all over town, agents can be heard yelling, 'Get me a Dean Stockwell . . . on rye with mustard."

 

(applause)

 

The End

 

 

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